Shoot Me Now

In the prep room the dr and nurses began to argue about putting a mark on my left cheek.  I know...a little mark that is mandatory, so that the surgeon does the procedure on the right side.  Finally, the dr put a tiny little pin mark on my left cheek and then they argue over fetal monitors and pain medicine.  The procedure should take less than 10 minutes the dr is yelling and the nurses are screaming back, but we have to put monitors are her.  Then they tell me I won't be getting any pain medicine.  I keep telling them to just take care of the babies.  We get into the operating room and the oral surgeon sees an old church member from her church, so they decide to catch up on 10 years of Oh, I've missed seeing you and and How are your kids, blah, blah, blah........Finally, the dr puts some sort of device in my mouth to keep it open and she says, are you ready.  I'd been there almost a week and she wondered if I was ready.    She cut into my gums and I thought I was going to pass out.  THEN from the cut and the blood being sucked out she inserted a tube into my gums and stitched it in.  No pain medicine!!!  I was shaking so bad and the monitors were sounding off.  The nurses kept telling the dr to hurry, which only made her angrier and I swear she was taking it out on me.  I kept asking God to please lest me pass out.  Finally, she was done and I am bawling and I think in shock by the pain.  The nurses only make me stay a few minutes in recovery, because I was awake during it.  I get to my room and my mom sees me and she starts crying and has to leave the room.  I keep telling the nurses to please get a sonogram of the babies and they do.  They were are okay.  I leave the next night swollen face and all, but  have a wonderful baby shower the next day.  All of this was caused by an abscessed wisdom tooth.  But, even with that terrible ordeal I would have done it again to be where I am today.

OK,OK,OK..it's not OK.

I held it together until we got to the car. I break down thinking, Okay God, I know you are in control and I am trying to figure this out, but why? All I heard was Trisomy 18. During the appointment I felt like I was there, but not really there. Tim was silent until I asked what are we going to do. All he said was pray. I called the dr that night and told him to please tell me everything again. He did and he said  that the cyst could dissolve and everything turn out alright. I was still losing it inside.  I was not about to have the amnio to test it for certain.  The idea of losing the babies because of the test was too high and I loved these babies no matter what.  I was going weekly to him now and they kept checking for the indicators. His sister made every attempt impossible to get good pictures.


I was so scared. I kept telling God I could handle it and that I knew He would help me take care of Kurt. Tim was keeping it together pretty good, but I could tell there was a sadness that their might not be a little cowboy following him around. He never once said it, but I could feel it. I also knew Tim would handle it just like he does all situations, very black and white. Here's the deal, now this is what we do.
I had lots of scares to the hospital. By 6 months we are going to the dr or hospital 3 times a week. Either for a stress test or sonograms. At 28 weeks my jaw starts hurting and our AC goes out in our house. Two great combos!!! I go stay at my parents house and I start popping Tylenol like it’s candy. I keep telling my mom something is really wrong. Finally, at midnight we head to the hospital and they check the babies and say everything is fine. My dr has to come in the middle of the night and looks at the sonogram and says they're fine Go Home and rest. He leaves and comes back right before I am about to leave and by then the side of my mouth is swollen the size of a watermelon. He tells me never mind I have something going on. I am admitted and it ends up being an abscessed wisdom tooth. While I’m there my fetal diagnostician starts calling for oral surgeons to come help with it. No one will even touch me because of the blood thinners. By the end of the week I am panicking (painfully) because my baby show is the coming Sat. Finally, one dr says she will help out.
Thursday afternoon they prep me to fix the problem. I was not ready for what was about to happen.

Just GO

I quickly get into the Fetal Diagnostician and I’m given an orange to practice giving shots. I give myself my first lovenox injection in his office. I leave his office with a prescription and a different kind of worry. I’m told that the shots were around $100 a day and I would take them daily throughout the pregnancy. I head home and go straight to my pharmacy. They don’t have the shots. I panic and start calling places in Lubbock . One pharmacy in Lubbock had a month supplies. My mom and I head up there. We are behind a car at the drive through and my heart is pounding. Tim and I had enough saved up to cover a month and a half of the medicine. My parents said they would help us out and I figured I could max out every credit card we had. In all honesty it would not have mattered I would have done just about anything to pay for those shots. We get to the window and I have my check book out ready to write the amount. The girl comes with the package and just hands it to my mom and we sat there. Finally, my mom says how much and she says no charge. She says no how much for the medicine and she said it said no charge. I look at my mom and say GO. Don't ask again!!!!  Just GO!!  I was already told we would have to pay for all of the shots, that our insurance would not pay for it and here in writing on the receipt it said no charge. I have no doubt that God was intervening right then. I know He knew the stress of money was not going to help out in any way. My mom still laughs about how I acted when the girl kept saying no charge.


I told everyone about the pregnancy as soon as we found out. Church secretaries would call and say we were on their prayer list. I believe in the power of prayer and believe our outcome is because of turning it over to God and people praying.


Sixteen days after finding out I’m pregnant I find out on my birthday we are having twins. I am by myself at the dr and the nurse said hope your ready for this. I was never more ready. I called Tim and all he said was are you sure and well all right then. I think he is in shock from the news. I call my mom and she was beyond excited. From the get go my dr says to do next to nothing the first 12 weeks. That is the most critical time for development and not to stand. Well, I teach and that’s kind of impossible, but a wonderful teacher brought me a BIG YELLOW (BIG BIRD) recliner to sit in while I taught. I did! I even had my evaluation done while I sat in that chair.

Morning sickness, Night sickness….I had it all and I loved it. To me it meant my babies were growing. Even though I had let go of my control I was still nervous. I called the nurse constantly. I had her home number and she put up with me. I had a stethoscope and I would try to hear them moving all the time. I became obsessed with that thing.

At 14 weeks I was put on bed rest. I laid on my couch like an incubator letting my babies grow and hoping they would make it to at least 28 weeks. My mom was really good about the whole thing. She cooked one meal a day for us, kept my house clean, and was on call to get me to my dr appointments and few scares we did have.

During my 16 week ultra sound the tech is doing the sonogram and he has an oh, no look on his face. He leaves to get the dr. I am praying furiously and Tim starts pacing the room.

My dr comes in and looks at the screen. He first says congrats it’s a boy and girl. Then he says there’s a concern. There was a cyst in the boy’s brain. Kurt I tell him. His name is Kurt. It can be an indication of Trisomy 18. I keep saying ok, ok, ok. I was tyring to hold it together. He said we could do an amino to be certain. NO, no way. I was going to love this baby no matter what. He said he would just have to check for symptoms. The indicators would be clubbed feet and hands. He couldn’t get a good picture of either because of the girl. I told him her name is Allison.

Part VII Almost there.....

I only end up doing three of the 6months of lupron injections. One month in the summer with the shots was torture. I guess if you have ever had the shots or are going through menopause you know how crazy you become. I had a goal though, so I was going to have to go with it.

That August I am sitting in inservice a few days before school is about to start and I feel terrible. I keep thinking the lupron injections are killing me, but I had a plan and I’d deal with it. I set through the team meeting crying hysterically to myself. We finish up and I gather up my stuff. I walk out of the room and standing at my door is one of the Superintendents and the next door teacher. I blast through them and start throwing up and I figured I really had destroyed my insides, or I was about to be fired because I was throwing up 5 feet away from my boss. I try to compose myself and tell another teacher I was headed to the dr. She keeps telling me I don’t need to go alone. She makes some calls to let people know something is going on. I get to the dr office and sit for a few minutes and tell them something is really wrong and they get the dr and he says it’s my gall bladder. He does the xray and it’s not that, so then he thinks my appendix ruptured.

My mom gets there as they are loading me into the ambulance. She jumps in the front and then quickly wanted out, but it was too late.  Once I’m there I start begging the guy to give me a shot of anything. He does and I go out quickly. When I get to the hospital I keep telling the nurses I don’t have time for any of this. It’s not part of the plan. One guy was like well you are on plan b now. Didn’t like him at all!!!!! I have the surgery and in it they can’t find the appendix. It hadn’t ruptured but it was not in the right spot. It was twisted on the other side of my body (my cut all across my stomach in their treasure hunt proves it). He finds it and said it was about to ruptured. He’d found it in time! He tells me I’m out of work for 6 weeks. This really was messing things up. I go back after two weeks…..this was nothing compared to the last year ½.  I have the best class that year. They seemed to really like me, but I think they had Viola Swamp for a sub. It’s the kindest class I could have prayed for. I see those kids now and they mean so much because they were with me when things finally started looking up. Even though they had to deal with me being menopausal for 2 more months! I would stand over our wall a/c unit and tell them to hold on give me a few seconds because I would be freezing in a minute! They were little and just thought I was crazy!

I get through the first semester with lots of dr appointments. Finally, in Dec. my nurses tell me I’d ovulated two eggs. I knew from that moment I was going to have twins. On Christmas morning 2001 I take a pregnancy test. Only one. With the last three pregnancies I took at least a dozen, but I just had a different feeling. It was positive!!!!

With pregnancy 2 and 3 I told only a few people. With this one it was different. That night I was at my Grandma’s and all the family is sitting around. Something in me told me to just announce it. I am very quiet around all of them usually, so this was big for me. I also ask them to please pray for us and the baby. My Grandma said she new this time would be different and I didn’t need to worry.....

Part VI I'll Take You Back

The night before I go see the maternal fetal specialist I have my breaking point.  I am in the shower crying.  It's the kind of crying that pains you to even think about, because you don't know where it comes from.  I get out emotionally drained and I head to the closet.  It was my darkest moment yet, but it all changed in an instant.  I fall to my knees confessing to God and telling him how sorry I was for blaming him.  I handed it all over to him.  The guilt, the anger, the hate, everything.  I told God I could not do it anymore alone and I needed him to be in control.  I woke up the next morning with such a strange peace that I knew He was in control.  He was the whole time, I just had to let him be.  I went to the dr the next morning.  I showed him my paper work from RIA and he said he would follow their suggestions.  Before I left he asked me if he could pray with me.  I told him I asked God to lead me to the right hands and He had.  The dr held my hands and he prayed such a beautiful and caring prayer.  We were both crying.  I walk out of the room and the receptionist comes over asking if everything is okay.  I tell her it is now.

I'll take you back always


And even when your fight is over now

Even when your fight is over now

I'll take you back always

And even when the pain is coming through

Even when the pain is coming through

I'll take you back

Part V Falling Hard

Lots of anger was built up.  I still didn't understand why.  I started questioning was it because of what had happened the first time, because I still felt so much guilt from it.  Something so natural was not naturally happening.  I started researching everything I could.  I begged for so many test that my dr was running me off.  I was tested for Antiphospholipid syndrome (APS) after the second misscarriage and it came back a low positive.  It causes blood clots, so I would take baby aspirin the next time.  At least I have some sort of answers on the second miscarriage.  We get pregnant again and I start taking the magical little pill.  I still don't tell people about this pregnancy in fear of the what ifs.  I think everything is going good.  I am still holding a grudge with God, but begging him to let this not end badley.  I go to the dr weekly for test.  I'm taking progesterone just in case.  I think that surely we have had enough of the bad, so this time it would be okay.  The Saturday of my 8th week my life changed.  I was changing the sheets and something just didn't feel right.  I went to the restroom and I was spotting again. I called my nurse and she said to wait until Monday, that hopefully it wasn't anything.  I was screaming my pleas and sorries for thinking so badly of God.  I go in Monday morning they do a sonogram and I get sent straight to a Maternal-Fetal Dr.  They thought it eas ectopic and it was about to rupture.  I kept thinking This CANNOT be happening again.  When the dr came in and  did the internal sonogram I thought I  had become his science experiment.  Every dr in training, nurse, anyone he could find cme in to look at the screen.  He kept saying it was a ring of fire and he'd only seen ones like this in textbooks.  At that point I could have cared less what they did.  I really thought Tim would have to put me in a mental hospital, because I was losing it fast. Little did I know that this dr would save me.  I go home the next day.  A song was out called The Tin Man by Kenny Chesney, it seemed like it was on every time the radio was on. It's lyrics were exactly what I was feeling.

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
I'd never even know
Well..I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so

I go back to see my dr and he tells me he doesn't know what else to do that he wants me to go on lupron injections to start menopause and then start from there and that he was sending me to a fertility specialist.  There was a three months wait to get into the specialist, so I had a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.  I was mad about that and not easy to be around because of the injections.  In some of my countless hours on the internet I found two drs that had a practiced called RIA.  Everyhting they wrote about and there case studies fit me.  I contacted them and had an email and phone consultaion.  He prescribed what I needed to do to stay pregnant.  I was doubtful beacuse my regular ob wasn't comfortable with all this information I had now, so I called the maternal fetal dr figuring he owed me one since I became his case study unwillingly.  I got an appointment to see him.

Part IV Pregnant Again

A few months later we are pregnant again. My new dr is watching everything closely.  Everything is going good.  I think that everything is working like it should have the first time.  I am happy and dreaming of what our baby will look like, act like, look like!  I decide that we shouldn't tell anyone but family not wanting to have to untell them if anything were to happen.  Everything was going perfect I thought until the 3rd month.  I started spotting and called my nurse in the middle of the night.  She said it was normal and I was ending my first trimester, so I needed to calm down, but come see them in the morning.  I remember staying up all night pleading with God to save this baby.  I had a feeling though something was wrong.  It's strange what you will beg and plead for out of fear.  That morning I sat looking at all the soon to be moms and hating them all.  Hated that they were not scared and worried.  I get called back and they listen for the heartbeat.  We don't hear one.  He does a sonogram and the baby doesn't measure at 12 weeks.  The baby died at around 10 weeks.  The dr tried to say all the right things.  I just wanted to run away.  I kept saying he might be wrong, are you sure, can we come back tomorrow and recheck.  We schedule the D&C for the next day.  I walked out into the lobby hating all of the women in there even more.  That night I kept asking God what I did, why I deserved this, why Tim deserved this, why was He punishing us.  I was so mad at Him.  Test came back inconclusive of why I miscarried, but it started my mission.  I read everything I could get my hands on.  I cried all the time.  I despised parents that talked to their kids hateful.  Thinking why do they have kids and I don't.  I started talking with a lady I found on iVillage.  She told me she's had two miscarriages and her dr had prescribed baby aspirin and she had a healthy baby now.  I called my dr and he said it was worth a shot, but to slow down,  I needed time to grieve and as he said it the only thing I can think of  is grieve..I'm too mad to grieve.  I didn't know how much hate I could really have in me, but I did.  God was at the top of my list to hate.

Part III So Lost

The next morning I go to the hospital and I have a D&C , plus a laparoscopy done for the endometriosis.  I ended up staying until the next day because of the surgery and I think my new dr thought I couldn't handle it yet.  I had/have never felt so much guilt.  I started out questioning God and then I ended up hating myself because I wish I'd been more clear minded when everything started falling apart.  I wish I would have had someone there with me when my old dr said this is what we need to do.  I wanted so badly to be in a car wreck and wake up from a coma or deep sleep and all the pain maybe would be gone when I came to.  I never questioned God after that surgery again why it happened.  I knew why and I would have to find peace in it somehow. A few weeks later I  get a new student in my class that had to be a God sent messenger.  The boy was a mess.  In his 8 years of being on this Earth he had seen more and been through more than I hope I ever have to witness in another student.  He kept my mind preoccupied and I needed it.  I would wake up and go to sleep thinking about this boy and praying for him.  A few months later we find out we are pregnant again.

Part II That day

I was numb from everything.  I wanted to just stop feeling.  I finally get home after pleas from my mom to pull over and let her come get me.  I wanted to be alone.  I didn't know I could even feel that way,so I sure didn't want anyone to see me.  I came home fell on the couch and begged myself to fall asleep and wake from the nightmare.  It was cut short by a phone call.  Tim's mom called and said his dad was in the hospital with chest pains.  I asked if he was going to be okay and she said he should be.  I still wasn't thinking clearly, so I didn't even call Tim to tell him.  By the time Tim got home he was frantic about me and his dad was going in for open heart surgery.  He checked on me and then left for the hospital.  I can't even remember how many days his dad was at the hospital, but he was okay.  People would say they were sorry and I wondered if they were talking about my father-in-law or the baby.  I didn't go back to school the rest of the week.  I did not want to face people.  I had already picked names out, color schemes for the nursery, and I thought I already knew what my baby would look like.  And he was gone and I had to act like nothing ever happened, because no one else felt the way I felt about my baby.  People at my school were great.  They cooked many meals for me and my principal had been through a loss too and understood.  I went back the next Monday assuming God didn't intend for us to have that baby,  but everything else would be okay.  So, I thought.  Two weeks had gone by and I still had not passed anything.  I called my dr and they assured me I should have within 72 hours, so I needed to get back up there.  I go the next day and the nurse took me in her consulting room and said I think we made a mistake in your lab and your HCG level was 15000.  We were off on dates.  I don't even see the dr.  I get up and tell them I need my records and they won't give them to me.  I walked out and go numb again, because I know what I have done and what it cost me and my baby and I can't take it back.  I can't make it alright.  I call Tim.  He's furious and then I call my mom.  She is upset too.  I had been hearing about a wonderful dr and thought I'd call him for help.  I call and talk to the receptionist and she says he can see me once I am pregnant.  I ask to talk to the nurse and she says to be there by 8:00 the next morning.  We get there before the dr the next morning. I get called in his tiny little room and I break down.  The nurse holds my hand as he does an internal sonogram and his face falls and the nurse starts to tear up and my world falls apart.  The nurse leaves the room and calls the first dr.  They won't turn over the records.  She tells them she's headed over there to get them.  We see on the screen my baby but, the shot did what it was meant to do and my hell starts again.  The dr schedules a D&C for the next day.  That night I miscarry at home.  I was 4 months pregnant.

Part I God Blessed the Broken Road

Tim and I married young and we decided to have kids young too.  A year after being married I told him I was ready to have a baby.  I knew it was not going to be the easiest job, because I had endometriosis, but I figured the road we were going to go down would only have a few bumps.  We were headed in the wrong direction quickly.  I was at school one day and I told a good friend that I hadn't been feeling well.  She begged me to take a pregnancy test and I did and to my excitement I was pregnant.  Eight weeks by that point.  I went to my dr. and things were going as planned and we would listen for the heartbeat at the next appointment.  I was having to wait almost two months to go back.  Around 12 weeks I started having a sharp pain on one side.  Called the nurse ands she said it was normal as long as there was no spotting.  I waited until the 16th week to go to the dr.  He can't hear a heartbeat, but said I was probably wrong about the dates.  I told him I was really worried about the pain, so he does more blood work and he'll see me in a week.  I go back the next week by myself and my world crashes.  My HCG level is at a 1500 and he thinks the pregnancy is ectopic.  I needed Tim there so badly, but things were happening so fast I couldn't think straight enough to remember is cell number.  The dr left me in a consulting room to decide if I wanted a shot to end the pregnancy or go home at the risk of dying if it ruptured.  I was 22 and thinking I should not be making decisions like this.  Why is this happening to me and my baby.  Finally, the dr came back and said if I leave I had to sign this saying you were told what the possible outcomes were.  I was emotionally drained and said I get the shot.  The second I sat in my car it started raining.  I wanted to stand in it and wash away all the guilt I had at that moment for ending my baby's life.  I had a 30 minute drive home in rain that was so hard I could not see the end of my car hood.