February 25, 2011

Part V Falling Hard

Lots of anger was built up.  I still didn't understand why.  I started questioning was it because of what had happened the first time, because I still felt so much guilt from it.  Something so natural was not naturally happening.  I started researching everything I could.  I begged for so many test that my dr was running me off.  I was tested for Antiphospholipid syndrome (APS) after the second misscarriage and it came back a low positive.  It causes blood clots, so I would take baby aspirin the next time.  At least I have some sort of answers on the second miscarriage.  We get pregnant again and I start taking the magical little pill.  I still don't tell people about this pregnancy in fear of the what ifs.  I think everything is going good.  I am still holding a grudge with God, but begging him to let this not end badley.  I go to the dr weekly for test.  I'm taking progesterone just in case.  I think that surely we have had enough of the bad, so this time it would be okay.  The Saturday of my 8th week my life changed.  I was changing the sheets and something just didn't feel right.  I went to the restroom and I was spotting again. I called my nurse and she said to wait until Monday, that hopefully it wasn't anything.  I was screaming my pleas and sorries for thinking so badly of God.  I go in Monday morning they do a sonogram and I get sent straight to a Maternal-Fetal Dr.  They thought it eas ectopic and it was about to rupture.  I kept thinking This CANNOT be happening again.  When the dr came in and  did the internal sonogram I thought I  had become his science experiment.  Every dr in training, nurse, anyone he could find cme in to look at the screen.  He kept saying it was a ring of fire and he'd only seen ones like this in textbooks.  At that point I could have cared less what they did.  I really thought Tim would have to put me in a mental hospital, because I was losing it fast. Little did I know that this dr would save me.  I go home the next day.  A song was out called The Tin Man by Kenny Chesney, it seemed like it was on every time the radio was on. It's lyrics were exactly what I was feeling.

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
I'd never even know
Well..I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so

I go back to see my dr and he tells me he doesn't know what else to do that he wants me to go on lupron injections to start menopause and then start from there and that he was sending me to a fertility specialist.  There was a three months wait to get into the specialist, so I had a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.  I was mad about that and not easy to be around because of the injections.  In some of my countless hours on the internet I found two drs that had a practiced called RIA.  Everyhting they wrote about and there case studies fit me.  I contacted them and had an email and phone consultaion.  He prescribed what I needed to do to stay pregnant.  I was doubtful beacuse my regular ob wasn't comfortable with all this information I had now, so I called the maternal fetal dr figuring he owed me one since I became his case study unwillingly.  I got an appointment to see him.

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