February 23, 2011

Part II That day

I was numb from everything.  I wanted to just stop feeling.  I finally get home after pleas from my mom to pull over and let her come get me.  I wanted to be alone.  I didn't know I could even feel that way,so I sure didn't want anyone to see me.  I came home fell on the couch and begged myself to fall asleep and wake from the nightmare.  It was cut short by a phone call.  Tim's mom called and said his dad was in the hospital with chest pains.  I asked if he was going to be okay and she said he should be.  I still wasn't thinking clearly, so I didn't even call Tim to tell him.  By the time Tim got home he was frantic about me and his dad was going in for open heart surgery.  He checked on me and then left for the hospital.  I can't even remember how many days his dad was at the hospital, but he was okay.  People would say they were sorry and I wondered if they were talking about my father-in-law or the baby.  I didn't go back to school the rest of the week.  I did not want to face people.  I had already picked names out, color schemes for the nursery, and I thought I already knew what my baby would look like.  And he was gone and I had to act like nothing ever happened, because no one else felt the way I felt about my baby.  People at my school were great.  They cooked many meals for me and my principal had been through a loss too and understood.  I went back the next Monday assuming God didn't intend for us to have that baby,  but everything else would be okay.  So, I thought.  Two weeks had gone by and I still had not passed anything.  I called my dr and they assured me I should have within 72 hours, so I needed to get back up there.  I go the next day and the nurse took me in her consulting room and said I think we made a mistake in your lab and your HCG level was 15000.  We were off on dates.  I don't even see the dr.  I get up and tell them I need my records and they won't give them to me.  I walked out and go numb again, because I know what I have done and what it cost me and my baby and I can't take it back.  I can't make it alright.  I call Tim.  He's furious and then I call my mom.  She is upset too.  I had been hearing about a wonderful dr and thought I'd call him for help.  I call and talk to the receptionist and she says he can see me once I am pregnant.  I ask to talk to the nurse and she says to be there by 8:00 the next morning.  We get there before the dr the next morning. I get called in his tiny little room and I break down.  The nurse holds my hand as he does an internal sonogram and his face falls and the nurse starts to tear up and my world falls apart.  The nurse leaves the room and calls the first dr.  They won't turn over the records.  She tells them she's headed over there to get them.  We see on the screen my baby but, the shot did what it was meant to do and my hell starts again.  The dr schedules a D&C for the next day.  That night I miscarry at home.  I was 4 months pregnant.


Shauna Youngblood said...

Wow Jennifer...can't imagine going through that and at such a young age. Even though it was long ago and you have two sweet kiddos now, it must still be a painful memory.

Krystal Hall said...

I don't think I had any idea about this! I am sooo sorry. You are a beautiful Mommy to 2 beautiful children and an Angel! I love you!