February 25, 2011

Part IV Pregnant Again

A few months later we are pregnant again. My new dr is watching everything closely.  Everything is going good.  I think that everything is working like it should have the first time.  I am happy and dreaming of what our baby will look like, act like, look like!  I decide that we shouldn't tell anyone but family not wanting to have to untell them if anything were to happen.  Everything was going perfect I thought until the 3rd month.  I started spotting and called my nurse in the middle of the night.  She said it was normal and I was ending my first trimester, so I needed to calm down, but come see them in the morning.  I remember staying up all night pleading with God to save this baby.  I had a feeling though something was wrong.  It's strange what you will beg and plead for out of fear.  That morning I sat looking at all the soon to be moms and hating them all.  Hated that they were not scared and worried.  I get called back and they listen for the heartbeat.  We don't hear one.  He does a sonogram and the baby doesn't measure at 12 weeks.  The baby died at around 10 weeks.  The dr tried to say all the right things.  I just wanted to run away.  I kept saying he might be wrong, are you sure, can we come back tomorrow and recheck.  We schedule the D&C for the next day.  I walked out into the lobby hating all of the women in there even more.  That night I kept asking God what I did, why I deserved this, why Tim deserved this, why was He punishing us.  I was so mad at Him.  Test came back inconclusive of why I miscarried, but it started my mission.  I read everything I could get my hands on.  I cried all the time.  I despised parents that talked to their kids hateful.  Thinking why do they have kids and I don't.  I started talking with a lady I found on iVillage.  She told me she's had two miscarriages and her dr had prescribed baby aspirin and she had a healthy baby now.  I called my dr and he said it was worth a shot, but to slow down,  I needed time to grieve and as he said it the only thing I can think of  is grieve..I'm too mad to grieve.  I didn't know how much hate I could really have in me, but I did.  God was at the top of my list to hate.

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