A few months later we are pregnant again. My new dr is watching everything closely. Everything is going good. I think that everything is working like it should have the first time. I am happy and dreaming of what our baby will look like, act like, look like! I decide that we shouldn't tell anyone but family not wanting to have to untell them if anything were to happen. Everything was going perfect I thought until the 3rd month. I started spotting and called my nurse in the middle of the night. She said it was normal and I was ending my first trimester, so I needed to calm down, but come see them in the morning. I remember staying up all night pleading with God to save this baby. I had a feeling though something was wrong. It's strange what you will beg and plead for out of fear. That morning I sat looking at all the soon to be moms and hating them all. Hated that they were not scared and worried. I get called back and they listen for the heartbeat. We don't hear one. He does a sonogram and the baby doesn't measure at 12 weeks. The baby died at around 10 weeks. The dr tried to say all the right things. I just wanted to run away. I kept saying he might be wrong, are you sure, can we come back tomorrow and recheck. We schedule the D&C for the next day. I walked out into the lobby hating all of the women in there even more. That night I kept asking God what I did, why I deserved this, why Tim deserved this, why was He punishing us. I was so mad at Him. Test came back inconclusive of why I miscarried, but it started my mission. I read everything I could get my hands on. I cried all the time. I despised parents that talked to their kids hateful. Thinking why do they have kids and I don't. I started talking with a lady I found on iVillage. She told me she's had two miscarriages and her dr had prescribed baby aspirin and she had a healthy baby now. I called my dr and he said it was worth a shot, but to slow down, I needed time to grieve and as he said it the only thing I can think of is grieve..I'm too mad to grieve. I didn't know how much hate I could really have in me, but I did. God was at the top of my list to hate.
ponytails and cowlicks and wildcat pride