February 22, 2011

Part I God Blessed the Broken Road

Tim and I married young and we decided to have kids young too.  A year after being married I told him I was ready to have a baby.  I knew it was not going to be the easiest job, because I had endometriosis, but I figured the road we were going to go down would only have a few bumps.  We were headed in the wrong direction quickly.  I was at school one day and I told a good friend that I hadn't been feeling well.  She begged me to take a pregnancy test and I did and to my excitement I was pregnant.  Eight weeks by that point.  I went to my dr. and things were going as planned and we would listen for the heartbeat at the next appointment.  I was having to wait almost two months to go back.  Around 12 weeks I started having a sharp pain on one side.  Called the nurse ands she said it was normal as long as there was no spotting.  I waited until the 16th week to go to the dr.  He can't hear a heartbeat, but said I was probably wrong about the dates.  I told him I was really worried about the pain, so he does more blood work and he'll see me in a week.  I go back the next week by myself and my world crashes.  My HCG level is at a 1500 and he thinks the pregnancy is ectopic.  I needed Tim there so badly, but things were happening so fast I couldn't think straight enough to remember is cell number.  The dr left me in a consulting room to decide if I wanted a shot to end the pregnancy or go home at the risk of dying if it ruptured.  I was 22 and thinking I should not be making decisions like this.  Why is this happening to me and my baby.  Finally, the dr came back and said if I leave I had to sign this saying you were told what the possible outcomes were.  I was emotionally drained and said I get the shot.  The second I sat in my car it started raining.  I wanted to stand in it and wash away all the guilt I had at that moment for ending my baby's life.  I had a 30 minute drive home in rain that was so hard I could not see the end of my car hood.

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