February 24, 2011
Part III So Lost
The next morning I go to the hospital and I have a D&C , plus a laparoscopy done for the endometriosis. I ended up staying until the next day because of the surgery and I think my new dr thought I couldn't handle it yet. I had/have never felt so much guilt. I started out questioning God and then I ended up hating myself because I wish I'd been more clear minded when everything started falling apart. I wish I would have had someone there with me when my old dr said this is what we need to do. I wanted so badly to be in a car wreck and wake up from a coma or deep sleep and all the pain maybe would be gone when I came to. I never questioned God after that surgery again why it happened. I knew why and I would have to find peace in it somehow. A few weeks later I get a new student in my class that had to be a God sent messenger. The boy was a mess. In his 8 years of being on this Earth he had seen more and been through more than I hope I ever have to witness in another student. He kept my mind preoccupied and I needed it. I would wake up and go to sleep thinking about this boy and praying for him. A few months later we find out we are pregnant again.